To Remember

Yesterday, I felt you move for the first time. They say it feels like the fluttering of butterfly wings, a fish swimming around, a vibration, a tickle, a whisper. I would describe it as feeling like all of those things at the same time, and still, none of those things. I don’t know a way to describe it, but I know what it feels like, and that is all I have ever wanted to know.

Something told me a few days ago that I needed to start paying attention. Maybe subconsciously I was feeling you move but not picking up on it because of how early it is. I started lying awake after I went to bed, concentrating, and thinking about the first time I would feel it and what it might feel like. Finally, as I was sitting at work quietly yesterday, I thought I was starting to feel something. After a few minutes, I felt a tickle so big (yet still so little) that left no doubt in my mind that it was you. On and off for the rest of the night I felt it, and again today. I have learned very quickly that you enjoy Welch’s juice.

I have wanted to start writing about this pregnancy since before it even began. Then, once it did, I found that I couldn’t write about it because it didn’t feel real. I thought it would feel real when that second line appeared on the test, but it didn’t. I thought it would feel real the next night when the word “Pregnant” popped up on the digital test, it didn’t. They say that seeing is believing, yet when I saw your little blob of a self up on the ultrasound monitor for the first time, I still wasn’t convinced you were in there. At the third ultrasound, we heard your heartbeat for the first time. It was amplified so loud that it filled the entire room. At 180 beats per minute, it couldn’t have been mine, but I still couldn’t believe it was yours. By the fifth ultrasound at 13 weeks, you had long since turned from a blob into a baby, but I didn’t believe you were my baby.

Now, as I write this, having felt your strongest movement yet just minutes ago, it’s starting to feel real. I had been thinking that since I was writing from the beginning of the pregnancy, that maybe it was too late to start. Now I realize how crazy that is. Not only do you have 6 more months in there, but a whole new life out here that I will want to remember every minute of.

Daddy and I were married June of last year, so I became pregnant with you 10 months after our wedding. Typical, even quick, some might say. Most people will never know what a miracle baby you really are, and that’s okay. Most miracles in life are unseen by design.

My mom and I realized something neat recently; she was the same age I am when she became pregnant with my older brother, and that was also 10 months after she married my father. Interesting!

I always hear people say they forget what their pregnancies were like…when they found out, when they got sick, when they felt the first movements etc. I want to remember these things or at least have them written down somewhere so I can go back and remember. Here are some dates I want to remember:

May 9th (Mother’s Day!) – first positive pregnancy test (two lines!)

May 10th – first positive digital test (exciting in its very own way, trust me)

May 11th – we told Britti about you!

May 17th – we told Patti about you!

May 27th – first ultrasound – we could see your tiny heartbeat which was slow because it had just started (Dr. said there was less than a 20% chance we’d even see it that early - showoff!)

June 7th – second ultrasound, we could tell which side your head was on, see your heartbeat and calculate the rate at 160 bpm

June 12th – we told Grandma (daddy’s mom), Adrienne, and Marty about you!

June 13th – we told Grandma (my mom), Uncle Bobby, Aunt Kristin, and some friends (Becca, Mike, Angelina, Jenn, Kate, Josh) about you!

June 17th – third ultrasound, you started to take on the shape of a baby and wiggled the tiniest bit, and that night we told Grandpa & Mary Ellen about you!

July 4th – we told Uncle Scott, Aunt Tammi, Uncle Craig, Aunt Kathy , Meghan, Aidan & Brendan about you. Mack & Steph were away at camp so we mailed them letters the next week.

July 7th – fourth ultrasound to do your NT screening but you weren’t cooperating and it was also a little too early, so they couldn’t get the measurement – still fun to see you lookin’ all baby-like! Ultrasound tech also peeked between your legs…hmm, did she think you were a boy or a girl?

July 16th – fifth ultrasound, second attempt at NT screening. Again, you didn’t cooperate, but they were able to get what they needed. Another peak between your legs…now we are nearly certain!

July 26th – first time I felt you movin’ and shakin’!

Right at 10 weeks is when I started to get some morning sickness and it last for 4 weeks until I was 14 weeks. It was usually around dinnertime and in the evening when I wouldn’t feel well, only sometimes in the morning. I never actually got sick until around 12 weeks when I started throwing up when I brushed my teeth at night, thanks to a nice gag reflex. Hopefully that gets better soon.

I really haven’t had any cravings or aversions to specific foods. During the weeks I wasn’t feeling well I didn’t want to eat most things and it was always a chore trying to figure out something I actually had an appetite for, but that was just aversion to food in general. I can’t eat as much as I used to be able to and feel sick if I do eat a lot, so I’ve lost about 6 lbs. instead of gaining so far. I also can’t stand the thought of going out to eat, for the most part, because the thought of big portions makes me feel sick.

There may not have been too much rhyme or reason to this first blog entry, just the order my thoughts came out in, and I’m sure I forgot so many. I’m sure many if not most other entries will follow suit. I plan to use this as an outlet for many things – to write to you, to keep friends/family updated, to write to myself, to remember as many details as I possibly can for as long as I possibly can. It’s hard to believe in less than 6 months your little face will be on here.
If I do neglect to write for awhile, I hope that someone will give me a nudge and remind me to. I have never, ever been consistent with keeping a journal of any kind, but I hope this time will be different, even when life gets ridiculously busy, as we know it soon will.