The first few weeks...

The first few weeks were pretty crazy. I honestly don't know how this post will turn out because, well, I don't know if I've forgotten what it was like or not.

We didn't get home from the hospital until close to 11pm the night we were released. I didn't envision coming home that late and something about it bothered me, but really I was just relieved to be coming home together. Todd and I brought the baby in our car and my mom followed in hers; she would be staying with us for his first week. We were starving so we hit the McDonald's drive thru when we were almost home.

When we got home, we ate, passed around the baby, let him sleep in his Pack 'N' Play and on us...nothing too exciting because at that point all he did was sleep. I pulled out my pump and got to work. Before we knew it, it was time for bed...and I was nervous. He was 5 days old and it truly seemed all he did was sleep. At the hospital that day we had to keep waking him up to feed him, but he had been asleep for pretty much the last 11 hours. In all our time at the hospital, I don't remember having him ever wake up crying and wanting to be fed, so I was afraid he wouldn't wake me to eat (and he was supposed to be eating about every 2 hours). I said to my mom "So, now what? I just got to bed and wait for him to cry?" Her response was "Yep, pretty much." I look back now and laugh that I honestly thought he would just lay there and quietly starve. Now I know there is no such thing as a quiet, hungry baby.

I don't know what time it was, but sure enough I was awakened by a blood curdling scream that scared the hell out of me. The way I jumped up in bed you would think an air raid siren had gone off. Cue the first of hundreds of nighttime feeding routines to come, on what would at times seem to be an infinite 2-3 hour cycle. I have to say, although there was always something nice about seeing his sweet face in the middle of the night, I really hated those night feedings for his first 6ish weeks. There was a special kind of exhaustion (and by this I mean I'll be contrasting it to nursing) that came along with having to get out of bed, bring him to the nursery to change him, bring him downstairs to get the bottle and heat it up (whilst the kitchen lights sealed the deal on his wide-awakeness), 9 times out of 10 while he was screaming, going back upstairs to feed him (which took forever because they drink so slow at first, and keep falling asleep), burp him and keep him upright awhile, put him back down to sleep and then, as I mentioned in my last post, I would often have to pump to make the bottle for his next feeding which took 20+ minutes. By the time I was done, I had maybe 30-45 minutes to sleep before he would wake up again and we'd do it all over again.

My mom would often come to the doorway and ask if I wanted her to take him, or when I went in to change him in the nursery where she was sleeping, she would always offer to help so I could sleep. I don't know why, but I never really took her up on her offers during the night (yes, I sit here kicking myself now). I just felt like I should be doing it, that I'd have to do it myself when she was gone, so it didn't seem right to pass him off to her. That's not to say when I couldn't take the exhaustion anymore I didn't wake Todd up and beg him to get the bottle ready, or feed him. I usually did once a night and he was great about it, but I didn't really sleep while he helped, I just laid there exhausted and watched or closed my eyes and listened.

I remember feeling so anxious the first couple weeks, during the day, that I couldn’t sleep whenever my mom or Todd wanted to let me. I was so exhausted but so afraid to sleep because I couldn’t let myself “check out” and not know what was going on at any given time. I didn’t know what Ryan would do or need and when (looking back, all he did was eat/sleep/eat/sleep so I don’t know why I felt this way), and it wasn’t that I didn’t trust Todd or my mom, but the only way to describe it was that I was terrified to be asleep and not know what was happening every second. Once the first few weeks passed, after Todd went back to work and I was home with Ryan 24/7 and got to know his rhythm, I was more able to relax. If he went to sleep, I would make Todd promise to wake me as soon as he woke up, and then I could rest. A couple more weeks, and I was comfortable with making plans that would allow me more sleep. I would go over the “plan” with Todd – such as going to sleep as soon as Ryan did (during the day), then knowing Todd would change him and give him his bottle when he woke up, and put him back to sleep, and then wake me as soon as he woke up after that. All with the understanding that he’d wake me the second Ryan got upset.

The first month after Todd went back to work were rough. Honestly, I don’t know why. Ryan slept so much, but I still felt like I never had a free second. A lot of time was spent pumping and trying to nurse and keeping him happy while I pumped because it never seemed to fall during his sleep times. I remember one day I took my shirt off to nurse him and didn’t get a chance to put it back on until 4 hours later. Again, looking back, I don’t know why it was so hard. Right now everything is second nature so it’s hard to bring my mind back to that flustered state and remember how it felt – but it was hard.

I want to try to revisit his newborn stage again, but in the interest of starting more current entries, I’m just going to publish. Ryan is now 5 months and growing faster than I’ll ever record in this blog if I keep trying to play catch up. I need to skip ahead to “right now” because he is changing every single day and I know I will forget so much. Tonight or tomorrow I will start talking about now. I wish I stayed more current before, but it’s more important now that he’s got such a personality and is starting to learn and do so many things!

I’ll give myself a deadline of next weekend to post…

The first 4 months...Part 1

Well, I am pretty disappointed in myself for not posting the last 4 months, but all I can do is try to be better about it now. Even if it's just short posts here and there, I need to keep up. Ryan is growing and changing so fast, I'll just never remember the things that I want to if I don't get them in writing.

So where do I start? I love this kid to pieces. I can't even describe it - at all. When he goes to bed at night, I don't even want to put him down. During the day, I smother him in kisses to the point where he sometimes gets ticked off but I can't stop myself, and every day, I really do love him more. Everything about him is my favorite thing. I don't just love his smiles, his coos, his adorable face...I love his pouty lips, his stinky hands and feet, the way he yells "mah!" when he's mad, his milky baby breath and even the smell of baby puke lingering on his cheek, burp cloth, or dirty clothes. Yes, I said I love the smell of my baby's throw up (hey, it's just milk). Sometimes I am afraid I will actually eat him up because I can't contain how much I love him.

Don't get me wrong, he has his moments and I have had mine. There have been a few breakdowns, but mostly before the 6 week mark which is when I felt things really started to fall into a routine, get easier, and I "knew" my baby - what he wanted and when, what soothed him, what ticked him off. At this point in the game I can really say I am 100% comfortable with his needs and it's rare that there is a time I don't know why he's upset. He throws a curveball every now and then, but for the most part I can say he's predictable. But yes, those first few weeks were hard. It will be easier with future kids because then you know that everything (everything!) really is "just a phase" and there is light at the end of the tunnel when you feel like you'll never sleep again, or like 10pm - 2am will be a screamfest every night for the rest of your life. Everything changes, and fast. Unfortunately sometimes that means the good things are short-lived too (more on that, later).

Breastfeeding. This was originally going to be its own post - oh well. What once was a chore is now the easiest, most convenient thing in the world for us, and I am so thankful it turned out to be that way because the first few weeks, I really didn't think it would. Our problems started in the hospital. It's highly recommended that you first breastfeed your baby just minutes after their birth. I didn't go in with my heart set on this, I just knew I wanted to breastfeed. I didn't have the opportunity to nurse him right after he was born because of the "repair work" that I had to have done and if you read the birth story in my previous entry, you know why I didn't get the chance that night, either.

The next day a nurse came in and asked if I wanted to try. To be honest, I wanted to say "no, thanks." I was in so much pain and so, SO tired from the pain medication that I didn't want to do anything, let alone something with a learning curve, but I said "yes" because I knew we needed to get it figured out sooner rather than later. She brought Ryan in and tried to help him latch on, but he wouldn't, and I was useless because as it turned out, I could NOT stay awake. I kid you not, I was completely non-participatory in our first attempt to breastfeed. The pain meds I had were so strong that I literally just sat there, while the nurse tried to get him to nurse, and continually fell asleep. I tried so hard to listen to what she was saying and watch what she was showing me, but my eyes would not stay open. She tried for about 5 minutes and then said we'd try later and that she'd send one of the LCs (Lactation Consultants) to see me. When the LC came later that day, I had the same problem - I could not keep my eyes open for the life of me. After just a few minutes of trying with no luck, this LC proceeded to tell me "well, you'll probably just have to pump." Not as in "pump until he learns to latch" but as in "only pump, forever." Really? It takes some women months to get their baby to successfully breastfeed and after just 5 minutes you're already concluding it's not going to work and I should give up? She also said something to imply that it was no different than breastfeeding because he's still getting the milk. Well, there's nothing wrong with EPing (exclusively pumping), but having had to do that the first few weeks I can say it's not the same as BFing - it's harder, doubles the time it takes to feed them, and it is extremely hard to keep up with pumping enough to feed around the clock.

On Day 3, a different LC came in - Nurse Lawrence. Just a few hours earlier, they had started Ryan under the bili lights, but they brought him in with this LC. The timing couldn't have been any worse; I had JUST been given another dose of my pain meds in the IV and I knew that meant about 22.7 seconds before I crashed. Todd told them it wasn't a good time because he knew what those meds did to me, but I couldn't pass up this chance because he was already 3 days old and hadn't nursed and we [thought we] would be going home the next day, and then I'd have to figure it out completely on my own. Somehow, I was able to fight through the meds (the dosage was lower than the first 2 days) and this LC was AWESOME. She spent so much time showing us exactly how to put the pillows/blankets for the right support (PSA to any moms-to-be, just buy the My Brest Friend pillow, it takes the work out of positioning), undressed Ryan to his diaper for skin-to-skin contact, and showed me exactly what to do, and it worked! He nursed for about 15 minutes which was great, and a really amazing experience. She then showed me exactly how to pump and how often (every other hour) to establish a supply since I couldn't have Ryan with me. She gave me a chart to keep track and I pumped around the clock like it was my job and Todd washed and prepped the parts and delivered the milk to the nursery for Ryan every other hour like it was his. It's basically all we did for 3 days (and nights). The the next day Nurse Lawrence came back to check on us and gave me a hug when she looked at my chart - apparently a lot of women say "eff that" to all that pumping.

Unfortunately, after that first time, I couldn't get him on again myself. I only had a couple opportunities to try in the hospital and couldn't make it work. The main problem is I was in SO much pain, still, that I couldn't get myself into a good position, or set up the pillows/blankets the way the LC had for me. By probably about day 4, my milk had come in and I was able to send more and more to the nursery for him, so when we went home, they had a few bottles for us to bring home with us. As soon as we got home, I pulled out my pump and hit the ground running. For the next 3 weeks, and the majority of the 2 weeks after that, I pumped around the clock to have enough milk for every feeding. It was tiring at times, especially the times when, despite my best efforts, I couldn't get enough bottles lined up for his nightime feedings and would have to wake up, heat up a bottle, feed him, put him down after 1/2 hour or he'd throw up, then get everything together and pump a bottle for his next feeding. By the time I'd finally get back to sleep it was almost time for him to eat again. My nights were on repeat - feed, pump, feed, pump, feed, pump. I was exhausted. Eventually I got to the point where I'd have enough bottles lined up for the night, and a couple servings frozen, so I finally felt "safe." I was proud of myself for not having to supplement.

During those first few weeks, as much as I wanted to be able to nurse him, I hardly ever wanted to try. Every time I tried, it just ended up with a screaming baby and was so frustrating that I dreaded the attempts. Don't get me wrong, I actually never once considered giving up and I didn't think it would never work. I assumed it had to work at some point because, well, it's supposed to work, and because we had had the one successful feeding at the hospital. I guess I was just OK with dragging out the learning curve. What I had to do was force myself at least once every day to just try to get him latched on. I would always assume it wasn't going to work and I'd have a bottle ready, but I would try. I used the My Brest Friend pillow to position him and I really wish I'd had it in the hospital, it was a lifesaver and completely eliminated the work of positioning him right (I was still in severe pain). At around 3 weeks was when I started being able to get him on sometimes. At 5 weeks, after seeing that he had gained enough weight at his 1 month appointment, was when I tipped the scale and started nursing him more than bottlefeeding. Before I knew it, I was nursing him around the clock and he only had bottles when necessary.

Now, I can't even imagine getting up in the middle of the night and heating up a bottle again. I hated that. I love how easy it is to just pull him out of his cosleeper and nurse him, not to mention it's a great way to comfort/calm, not just feed. The only thing we haven't really been able to do is nurse under a cover in public because he hates being covered up, and he is pretty fidgety and constantly needs to be relatched, so it's just more hassle than it's worth and I bring bottles of pumped milk when we go out. He's never had a problem taking a bottle since that's what he was first accustomed to. I still pump anywhere between 2 and 4 times a day and have a freezer stash of close to 400 oz. right now. I bank way more than I pull from the stash so I should probably reevaluate how much I need to be pumping sometime soon, but I am trying to keep supply up now that I am back to work 3 days per week and on those days, can only pump once during working hours. We recently got a deep freezer to put in the garage to store it all. I know a lot of women hate the pump, but I guess because I got used to doing it so much at first, I don't mind it. I think my brain still equates pumping with having enough to provide for him, because of those first few weeks, so I'm afraid to cut back. In the end, I may just end up having to donate some of it.

(To Be Continued...4 months is just too much to cover in one post!)

Ryan's Birth Story

Before you were conceived, I wanted you.
Before you were born, I loved you.
Before you were here for an hour, I would have died for you.
This is the miracle of life.
- author unknown

I can't believe it has been 4 weeks since our precious baby boy arrived! I need to write his "birth story" before I forget things, especially considering some of it is already fuzzy to begin with. But first, some birth stats:

Ryan William Lauder
December 31, 2010
4:19 pm
6 lbs. 6 oz.
19 inches

This birth story is long. It's ridiculously long because I tried to include every detail I could remember, but not because I think anyone else is that interested in reading it. I write this for myself, for my husband, and for Ryan, because I want us to remember every detail and I want Ryan to be able to read this when he is older. As memorable an experience as it was, how often do we forget the details we thought we'd never forgot, even in the most defining events of our lives? I don't want to forget.

We were told to get to the hospital at 4pm, no earlier, on Thursday the 30th for the induction. We got there a few minutes after. I was a nervous wreck inside and had been since the night before; it felt like I was on a runaway train that I wanted to get off of. Before then, I had only been excited that he was coming so soon, but as my nerves got the better of me I wanted the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy back, I wanted a 40 week baby and I felt jipped. I knew it was only because I was so scared and I just tried to tell myself that if I didn't go through it now, I'd be going through it 3 weeks later. I wanted so badly to meet him but I had read too much about early inductions and had convinced myself it would be long and painful and ultimately end up in a c-section. Well, it was long and painful...but at least I was wrong about the c!

It took awhile to get checked in, hooked up to the monitors, have the IV put in and get to see the doctor. At around 7pm they started something called Cervadil which starts to soften your cervix and get it ready for labor, since at 37 weeks my body had not begun the process on its own. The Cervadil is some type of gel (I think) that they insert and it has a string for them to remove it. I had heard it was painful to have put in, so I was at least happy when I found out that the Dr. had put it in during what I thought was just an internal. The internals are extremely painful for me because apparently my cervix is very posterior, so at least they killed two birds with one stone...but enough about my cervix. They told me the Cervadil had to sit for 12 hours before we started anything else which is why I had already been pretty sure he wouldn't make his debut until the next day. They also said the Cervadil might bring on some contractions and put me into labor on its own, but I think they said it wasn't likely. Most likely we would start Pitocin around 7am the next morning; basically what they said is that they just needed to try and flip a switch in my head to make my body go into labor and that you never know when the switch will flip and what it will take.




















They gave me an Ambien to sleep so I'd be rested for the next day, but I literally did not sleep one wink that night. The problem was that I had to have the fetal heart monitor and contraction monitor strapped to my stomach all night, and that the Cervadil started causing cramping very quickly after it was put in. They started out like menstrual cramps and increased in pain and discomfort all night, and because of this I had to constantly keep switching positions to get comfortable. However, every time I changed positions, the fetal monitor would lose his heartbeat and a nurse would have to come in and adjust it. This started to happen at least every 5-10 minutes and the nurses kept telling me I had to stay put, I could tell they were getting irritated but I could not stay in one position, it was too painful. I would lay in pain for as long as possible on one side, switch sides, have the monitor adjusted, and then switch sides again, and this went on all night long, so I didn't fall asleep even once.

At around 5am I got up and went to the bathroom and as I was getting back into bed I felt a small gush of water and told Todd to get the nurse because I was pretty sure my water had broken. The nurse came in and checked but said she didn't think it had and that it could have been urine, but I knew it wasn't. I don't think it was until around 8am when my Dr. came in for another internal that she confirmed my water had definitely broken. Let's just say it was very obvious during the internal and I could not believe the sheer amount of water that left me during that 30 second period! I thought they would have to get me a new bed when she was done. I think it was at this point that she told me I was dilated "almost 3" centimeters and then said "there, I just made you 3."

Sometime during the early morning hours after the water broke, I can't remember when, the contractions got extremely painful and I felt like I might throw up after each one. I can't remember now how far apart they were, but I started telling Todd I needed something for the pain. I said I wanted the epidural because they were that bad, and I started to somewhat panic because I knew it was too early for an epidural and I didn't know if they'd give me anything else because it was still early in the morning, the Dr. hadn't even been in, and these were just contractions from the Cervadil that they didn't even know would bring on contractions in the first place. We hadn't even started Pitocin yet so I assumed they would tell me I was out of luck and I didn't know how long I could handle that pain. My mom had been there for awhile the night before and I knew she was probably on her way back but I had Todd call her and see how far away she was because I had officially reached the "I just want my mom" level of pain. I don't know if everyone has that level, but it's a very specific level at the top of my pain pyramid. The nurse said she would talk to the Dr. about pain relief and when she told me I could have the epidural I think I may have cried happy tears. My mom got there right as they were going to give it to me and they had her and Todd wait outside. I always thought it was funny how on the baby shows on TV, the moms act like the anesthesiologist is their savior when he comes in, but that is exactly how I felt when I saw him. I wanted to hug him. I had not been too nervous about getting an epidural to begin with but had occasionally imagined it would cause a sudden pain that would cause me to move involuntarily and leave me paralyzed, but that thought had long since gone out the window and I couldn't wait for that needle to go into my spine. It really didn't hurt except for some brief pain down my right side, nothing bad at all. I think I thanked the anesthesiologist no less than 83 times before he left the room.



















I felt great after the epidural. For a little while I could still feel the contractions on my right side, not as bad as before but painful, and then the nurse told me to roll to my right side to help spread out the meds, and it worked. Then I really felt great. My mom and Todd would tell me I was having a really strong contraction and I would sit there in ignorant bliss and disbelief that I could not feel a thing. I remember rambling on about how amazing epidurals were, how I couldn't imagine how anyone could go through labor without one, and what a shame it would be if I didn't get it because surely I'd have been dead by now. I was very in love with my epidural, as you can tell. Don't get me wrong, I have huge admiration for anyone who can go through labor without it, I just literally can't imagine how it's possible (and I hadn't even felt the strongest of the contractions). If you can labor through that pain for hours and hours without an epidural, you can do anything and you are my hero.

The timing of things got a little fuzzy here, probably because I was so tired, but I know that at around 9:30 they started the Pitocin and I think I fell asleep for awhile. I don't remember at what time or why they put in an internal monitor, but it's something that literally pierces the skin of the baby's head and stays in to monitor the heart rate. Shortly after that at one point I started to wake up realizing...I was in pain. Wait...I had had an epidural...how could I possibly be in pain?? I was feeling contractions again and this time they were very different from the first round, they were very centered and low and they quickly got worse and worse until I felt like I had never gotten an epidural at all. I remember saying over and over "this isn't fair...I got an epidural!" The anesthesiologist came in and I guess administered more of the epidural and then showed us a button we could press to release more of it every 10 minutes if needed. It didn't do a damn thing and I was convinced it was a placebo button with nothing in it and that they were trying to trick my brain into thinking I wasn't in pain after every time I pushed it. The contractions had reached unbearable again and were so much worse than the first round I had had from the Cervadil. I just laid on my side and whimpered and moaned through each one. Finally the anesthesiologist gave me a double dose that he injected right into the thing in my spine, instead of through the IV, and finally they stopped again. He said that sometimes there is an area, down low and centered like this, that the epidural just isn't able to reach well.

Things are fuzzy here, too, but at some point in the afternoon I remember feeling pressure like I had to go to the bathroom and the Dr. and my mom telling me that I didn't have to, that it was the baby's head bearing down. I told them I needed to go and begged them to let me, I was positive it wasn't the baby and that I had to go to the bathroom because it felt exactly like that. They just kept telling me that it really was the baby's head bearing down and that I absolutely could not go (I hardly had any feeling in my legs anyway, so I don't know how I thought I was going to get up and go to the bathroom). Since I was feeling that way, the Dr. checked me again and I was at 6cm dilated. Everyone seemed really excited about that but all I wanted to do, still, was go to the bathroom and I didn't want to wait 4 more centimeters to get some relief from that feeling. I asked if I could push because I felt like I needed to and of course the answer was no since I wasn't fully dilated. My mom said that when it was time to push the feelings of "needing" to push would be extremely close together and unstoppable. I felt like they already were, but not too much longer later I understood what she meant and the next thing I knew I was basically yelling at everyone that I HAD to push whether they liked it or not. The Dr. checked me again and said I was fully dilated and ready to go...thank God, because I knew there was no stopping it at that point and if they had told me I had to wait longer I can't say we all would have made it out of there alive.

Up until that day my plan was that only Todd would be in the room when eviction time came, but after having my mom there all day helping me get through the labor, it didn't feel right to have her wait outside and I wanted her to stay. I also imagined, and I think Todd did, too, that he would stay up north most of the time and just peak a few times as he was coming out, but when it came time, the doctor had him and my mom each hold a leg and they both 100% witnessed their son and grandson's grand entrance into the world! I was surprised by how few people were in the room. I imagined a hustle and bustle of doctors and nurses but surprisingly, only my doctor and a nurse, and at some points a resident who was only there to watch, were in there. Once the pushing got under way, my doctor actually left for most of it and it was just the nurse in charge. I remember asking at one point if there were enough people for when he came, and if anyone would be there to make note of his actual birth time (hey, that was important to me!).

My mom had told me that pushing is the easy part of labor, and I didn't believe her because...well, that just didn't seem to make sense. But, she was right. Pushing wasn't painful at all (of course, I did have the epidural), it was just tiring. I was told to push 3 times, for 10 seconds each time, during each contraction. After the first few contractions they let me be in control and I would tell them when I had to push because I would get the overwhelming feeling of needing to every time I had a contraction. I pushed for about an hour and twenty minutes which they said was pretty short for a first baby. What was frustrating about it was that the whole time I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere because I couldn't feel the baby moving down. Until his head was actually coming out, I couldn't feel any progress so it felt like he wasn't moving. A few times they told me he had lots of hair and I asked what color it was, they said "dark because it's wet." Oh..well, ok then! Finally I could feel it when he started to crown and when his head and shoulders came out was the only time it hurt, but it was fast and bearable, I only yelled a little! I remember asking "after his head is out, are you just gonna pull the rest of him out?" I don't know why, I think it was because that's what it looked like they do on all those baby shows I watch, but they said I'd have to push his shoulders out, and after I did they told me to relax and then they pulled the rest of him out.
























I think what I felt the moment they held him up for me to see was disbelief. I couldn't believe he was really there! And so tiny! I kept saying "he's so little!" The doctor held him up for me to see and he looked perfectly ok but he wasn't crying right away so I kept asking why he wasn't crying and she just kept saying "he's fine." It was probably only 20 seconds until he cried. After that I was holding out my hands saying "can I have him? can I hold him??" and they asked if I wanted them to lay him on my chest. Um...yes!! I still remember what it felt like touching him for the first time and holding onto him while he looked at me and screamed his little head off. All I could think was that he was so adorable and tiny and that I couldn't believe I was finally getting to see him.
























As soon as I had him my mom said "do I get to know his name now?" A couple minutes after he was born, I felt like I was having another contraction and had to push. I had no idea why and somewhat panicked for a second. Yeah, forgot about that whole placenta thing. My mom and Todd both started calling people right away and they took Ryan over to the warmer. I kept telling Todd to go be with him because he was crying and sometimes no one was at the warmer with him. The Dr. told me she had quite a bit of stitching to do because I had a bad second degree tear inside (and maybe outside? I don't even know, wasn't really paying attention). She also said she was going to do something to try and prevent a hematoma which is an internal bleed, because the way the tear was made her think I might develop one. I just laid there content while she did it, watching my baby, listening to the phone calls, making everyone take pictures, soaking it in. They handed him back to me for a few minutes, all bundled up and mostly cleaned off - I just could not get over how adorable he was. He was so content and looking at us with the most adorable eyes. I think they gave him to Todd to hold for awhile after that. I was so excited for the Dr. to finish up so we could go to the postpartum room, I could call people on my own and send pictures, and we could have visitors. I knew my brother, Kristin, Todd's mom and Marty were all on their way and I couldn't wait to show him off.









































































If anything happened between that and the hell that broke loose after that, I don't remember it. The next thing I remember was them having me slide over from the delivery bed onto a stretcher so I could be brought to my post-partum room. This was probably around 6pm. I could barely get myself onto the stretcher because I was in so much pain, and once I got on it everything started getting worse. I honestly can't even remember exactly what the pain felt like now, but it increased to the point where it was excruciating, unbearable, and worse than all of the labor and delivery pain combined. I had no idea why I had this pain all of a sudden and what was happening, and I don't really remember the order of everything. I remember repeatedly yelling that I needed the Dr. in there now and couldn't wait, telling Todd to leave and get the Dr., and a blur of the Dr. and nurses coming back and forth and trying to figure out what was going on. I am really not the type of person to say "I need the Dr. NOW!" but I did...multiple times. At one point, I begged her to knock me out because I couldn't take the pain. One of the nurses kept saying to the Dr. "how about if I just give her another Percocet?" and I think if I could have moved I would have punched her in the face. Really.

Finally the Dr. determined that I had gotten the hematoma bleed after all, even though she had tried to prevent it. I didn't really understand because when she talked about it after delivery I had thought she said I already had one and she was fixing it, but I didn't really care. She mostly explained things to Todd and my mom because all I could do was lay there and cry, moan, yell...you get the picture. As soon as she determined that's what it was, knowing how painful they are, I got the good stuff in the IV and was asleep within minutes. For the next 4-5 hours I was either in a heavy sleep or in a weird semi-conscious state where I could hear everyone but still felt like I was asleep and couldn't move. The heaviness of the sleep combined with the relief of such horrible pain felt incredible. I could hear the Dr. saying something to Todd and my mom about possibly bringing me to the OR for surgery and maybe needing a blood transfusion, and I didn't care in the least. They could have done anything they wanted to me at that point.

When I woke up I felt like the eye of the side I was sleeping on was almost swelled shut. Apparently I had swelled up like a balloon. Still didn't care. I was still in some pain and it was hard to move, but compared to before, it was nothing. They said they were going to keep taking blood counts to see if it the bleed was increasing or not and then they would do surgery if they had to, but they wanted to try and get us to the postpartum room (I had still been on the transport stretcher in the L&D room this whole time) and bring the baby to us so we could all be together before the ball dropped to ring in 2011. I wanted my baby and I didn't really care about the new year at that point, but that was what everyone else was determined to do. I was really sad that I hadn't gotten to call anyone or send pictures to announce his arrival myself. As far as I knew, my best friends didn't even know he was born, but Todd told me he told them at some point when it was obvious I wasn't going to be able to myself. When we were finally brought to the room, I told Todd we could turn the TV on and try to get a picture of him holding Ryan by it as the ball dropped. Turned out it was already 12:03am. Oh well. They brought Ryan in and I got to marvel all over again at how gorgeous he was and feed him some bottle (our adventures in breastfeeding will be a post all its own) and we both just spent time holding him and taking everything in. We were all completely exhausted. After some time, we called the nurse to bring him back to the nursery. As much as I didn't want to, I could still barely move or sit up, and getting out of bed would have been impossible, so I knew there was truly no way I could take care of him throughout the night and he was so new that I felt more comfortable knowing that he was in the nursery with trained eyes on him all night while we slept.

































































We ended up being in the hospital for 5 days. Normally at this hospital they will release you 48 hours after the baby is born. I had to stay an extra day because they were still doing bloodwork around the clock to determine if the hematoma was increasing and eventually they determined it was ok. We thought we would be going home on Monday, but Monday morning the hospital pediatrician came in and told us Ryan was jaundiced and she had ordered light treatment for him and he wouldn't be able to go home until the next day at the earliest. His levels were really high, so in hindsight I wonder why they didn't notice it sooner, unless they did and were just waiting to see if it got bad enough to need the lights. I was automatically extremely upset. Not because he was jaundiced or needed the lights, I knew how common that was and that he'd be OK, but because I knew they would still discharge me and I'd have to go home without him. I couldn't even think about it without bawling.











































When my Dr. came in to check on me and see how the pain was, etc. I told her I wanted to stay because the baby had to stay and she said she couldn't really justify keeping me, which is what I was afraid she would say. I know she could tell I was getting upset, and when I said the pain was still bad (it was), she used that to justify keeping me until the next day. I know she didn't have to and only did it because she knew how badly I didn't want to leave without the baby. But, she told me, if he couldn't go home the next day, she wouldn't be able to keep me again. I was fine with that because I thought for sure we'd all be going home the next day.

It was rough not having Ryan in the room with us at all, after having him with us for 2 days. We were allowed to go to the nursery to visit him (or so we thought) but for the most part only Todd went because I knew I would get upset seeing him in there and not being able to hold him or take him back. I felt guilty not going to see him but I couldn't help it. After the first day, they ended up telling us that actually, we weren't even allowed in the nursery to see him, we could only look through the window. Up until that point, Todd had been going in to see him and was able to touch him, and the nurses hadn't stopped him because they felt bad, but then they decided to tell us the real rules. The reason parents weren't allowed in there was because there were other babies in there and other parents might not like other people in there. Yeah, so what? We were pretty ticked off. Yeah, there's other babies in there, but guess what...our baby is the only one under the bili lights, our baby is the ONLY one in there who has to stay in there and is not allowed to be in his parents room and be held by them. And as a parent, I would never even think to get upset if I saw other parents in the nursery being with their baby, especially a baby they weren't able to be with any other way. We made it known how upset we were and they ended up taking the few other babies out of the nursery for a few minutes so that we could go in and see him. I felt like we were being looked at as "those" parents, demanding and unreasonable, but I truly didn't think it was fair. We went in for about 15 minutes, I was a snotty, crying mess, but they let me feed him and I felt a little better seeing his eyes (on the bili bed they're covered by a mask) and seeing that he was still tiny. I think part of me had been afraid that by the time I got him back, he was going to be a big, grown up baby and not know who I was. Crazy thoughts go through your head when you're hormonal and drugged up. I still say pregnancy hormones don't hold a candle to postpartum hormones.

The next morning the pediatrician came in and told us that his levels had gone down significantly but not enough for her to discharge him. I think this is when I officially lost my mind. I knew I was getting discharged that day and even thought they told me we could stay at the hospital until later that night, even though I knew Ryan was ok, even though we could come back and get him the next morning, even though in my mind I knew this was not as awful as my reaction made it seem, I still couldn't handle it. The thought of leaving the hospital even for a minute without him reduced me to an inconsolable mess. Earlier that morning at 6am they had taken my blood pressure and it had been high, which was odd because it had been pretty good the previous couple days. Because of this they wanted to continue checking it throughout the day. Well, obviously, after they told me Ryan had to stay, it was high for the remainder of the day because I was upset. I wanted it to be high because I thought they may let me stay again if it was (after all, they had kept me 5 days the previous week for high blood pressure, which never made it to the blog). However, I wanted to kill the tech that was on that day who kept coming in to check the blood pressure. She continually came in when I was upset and/or crying and would sigh and be visibly irritated that I was causing high readings, and telling me to relax as if it were just that easy. This continued for hours and just ticked me off, so the readings were all high. When my Dr. came in she said that she had already told the nurse and tech not to take the blood pressure while I was upset (what's the point?) and that if they tried to do it again, to tell them that she said not to. I did, and they didn't listen, but whatever. It was a horrible 12 hours or so - I was overtired, overwhelmed and not able to deal with even a little stress without breaking down - but in the end, the blood pressure did get them to keep me in the hospital until the next day and Ryan actually ended up being cleared for discharge before I was, but the next night we got to go home. I hadn't pictured going home at night and didn't like that it was already going to be 11pm when we got home, but at the end of the day I knew that was insignificant. I got to go home with my baby.

























Recovering, in the hospital and at home, was painful, messy, sometimes scary. I really had no idea just what having a baby does to your body, especially right after birth, although I don't know how much of the pain and physical "trauma" was due to the birth and what was due to the hematoma. It took quite awhile for me to not be in at least somewhat bad pain, but now it's only every once in awhile. I can't really stay on my feet for an extended period of time, even brief shopping trips are hard, without the pain starting up, but I'm not out and about much anyway. The pain is just a reminder of everything we went through and what we have to show for it, and I am amazed every time I think about the fact that I actually did it - I actually gave birth - and the full circle we've come not only since the day the test turned pink, but since the day we first ached to have him in our lives, before he even existed.

So that is Ryan's birth story. Believe it or not, I'd even say "in a nutshell." Although anyone reading this might not think so, the experience was so much more than I could even put in here which may be why it took me 2 weeks to write this. My next few entries, when I'm able to, will most likely be on breastfeeding and on what life with a newborn has been like.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading!

34 Weeks & First Trip to L&D

Today I am 34 weeks and 1 day. I can't even believe I'm saying that. How is it possible that I am in the home stretch and our baby will be here in just a few weeks? Maybe more than a few...but the time is whizzing by...it won't feel like more than a few. I guess the thought of actually being pregnant took so long to sink in that I feel like I am perpetually newly pregnant, in my first trimester, with a ways to go. My body would beg to differ on that feeling, though.

When people ask me how I'm feeling at this point, I feel inclined to say "I feel great" and "pretty crappy" at the same time. In some ways being this pregnant is taking its toll physically, as would be expected at this point, but in other ways I feel like I've lucked out and it could be a lot worse. For the last few weeks my feet have been ridiculously swollen to the point where I finally had to go out and buy a couple pairs of shoes that are basically slippers you can wear outside because my feet would not fit into anything else except sneakers, which were tight and only worked against me. Putting my feet up and drinking water hasn't really helped. The swelling doesn't hurt, it just bothers me to look at it because I feel like I need to fix it but can't. They do say it goes away very shortly after delivery My feet do absolutely kill me if I am on them for an extended period of time, though. My entire body will also ache for days after if I am out and about doing things for even just a few hours. When we went shopping on Black Friday (and I'm talking 3 hours, low stress, nothing crazy) I ached until Tuesday the following week. It used to be that everything would be better when I woke up the next morning, now everything just hurts worse. Bending over in a certain way really hurts my hips. Bending down all the way is ok (although I have to hold my breath and try not to break the baby in half) but in certain ways, like to put on a pair of pants, really hurts. I'm not complaining, though. None of it is terrible to deal with, it's all to be expected, and really, those are my only issues. I just want to remember what both the good and the bad felt like.

I am also really aware of what I am NOT feeling in terms of discomfort and pain and that is what makes me really not mind what I am dealing with. I have heard so many people say they slept awful most of their pregnancies, if not their entire pregnancies, whether due to insomnia or discomfort from having a huge belly. I have never slept so good in my life, starting in my second trimester. With the exception of a few nights here and there (and everyone has those nights) I sleep like a baby. Even though I have to get up to go to the bathroom, which I never did pre-pregnancy, I still sleep amazingly and so much more soundly than I ever did. A girl could really get used to this....if she wasn't expecting a newborn soon! I also hear "your back must be killing you" a lot....nope. I have had zero back pain the entire pregnancy so far. I had it quite often before I was pregnant, but none now. I also have not had any heartburn, trouble going to the bathroom (TMI but hey, that's a common thing) or morning sickness (except for the brief 10-14 week period and that was moderate). Sooo I really don't have that much to complain about.

Still, the rest of this pregnancy will apparently not be without issue. On Wednesday I went to my routine 34 week appointment during my work lunch hour. When the nurse took my blood pressure and said it was high, I wasn't surprised. It's always high the first time they take it, and then if they retake it later, it will be normal...that's what happens every time. This time, though, it only went down a tiny bit. The OB I was seeing that day came in and talked to me for all of 2 minutes before saying "I'm going to send you to the hospital for bloodwork and monitoring." She was worried I might be developing pre-eclampsia because my BP was higher than any previous appointments and there was a trace of protein in my urine which could also be a sign of it Well, stupid me is thinking this is something we'll set up an appointment for for sometime in the near future. She starts telling me she's going to call the OB from the practice who is on duty there and that I should go up to the 4th floor (Labor & Delivery) when I get there, so I finally understand what she is saying and ask "oh...I have to go now?". "Yes...oh, you probably wanted your husband to go with you, right?" I tell her that my husband is at home just a few miles away (he had the day off) so he can go with me, but that I was just on my lunch break from work so I wasn't really expecting this. I almost asked if I could go back to work and go later, after all hospitals are 24/7 and I was sure this was probably not to big deal she seemed to think it was, but I knew what her answer would be.

I left the office, called Todd and told him "get dressed, we're going to the hospital." I thought it was funny he didn't even ask why, he just said "ok" and hung up. I wondered if he heard me correctly. I called my boss, told him I probably wouldn't be back in that day, and then drove home to pick up Todd. Then I started crying and I don't really know why. I wasn't scared to go, I didn't really believe anything was wrong so I wasn't worried...it was just really unexpected and the OB hadn't talked to me much about it before sending me out of there, so I was just caught off guard. On my way home Todd finally called back for a little bit more of an explanation. He had even grabbed our half-packed hospital bag and had it waiting by the stairs (no, I didn't take it with us). By the time we left to actually go to the hospital I felt better about it. I don't dislike hospitals but have had very minimal experience as a patient and was afraid they would make me stay overnight.

For the next 3 hours they just kept me hooked up to fetal monitors to watch the baby and a blood pressure cuff that went off every 15 minutes. When the nurse first hooked up the monitor (two round things with ultrasound gel on them, strapped to your belly) we could hear the baby's heartbeat and she said something sounded irregular, like it was skipping. We could hear it too, although it wasn't very clear it sounded like it was skipping about every 5 beats. She was also concerned because the monitor was showing his heartrate at just 50, but we could all hear it and it was very obvious that it was not 50, but in the normal 140-150 range. She had the Dr. come in who readjusted the monitors and it then sounded normal, but every time this nurse came in she said she heard an irregularity. She said arrhythmia is not "normal" but it's "common" and that often after delivery it can't even be detected. Bottom line is we still don't actually know if there is an irregularity or if there was just something wrong with the monitor. Hoping the latter.

Skip the next two paragraphs if you're a male.

After answering about 800 questions, they left me on the monitors and just came to check every once in awhile. I didn't have any of the other telltale signs of preeclampsia (blurry vision, headaches, upper abdominal pain). The Dr. said that based on my symptoms she wasn't going to do an internal exam because she didn't think I needed it. I have heard a lot of things about "internals" which a lot of OBs will do later in pregnancy, not usually earlier than 36 weeks, to see if you are dilated. A lot of OBs will not do them unless there is a specific reason to, because they aren't conclusive. You can walk around 5cm dilated for weeks and not go into labor, or you could be 0cm dilated and end up having a baby a few hours later. I have also heard they can be pretty painful. I didn't understand why....they do them constantly when women are in labor on all those baby shows and you never hear them screaming about it. So while I was curious to know if anything might be going on, I was also a little relieved that she wasn't going to do one.

An hour later, she comes back and tells me the monitors show I'm having mild contractions and asks if I can feel them. I couldn't feel a thing except the baby moving around non-stop during the entire time I was there. The monitors were pushing in right where he always moves around, so he could feel them and was moving constantly, pressing against them. Because of this she decided she was going to do an internal. Well if anyone is wondering if they really do hurt...the answer is yes, they do, they hurt like hell. I was not expecting the pain at all. Usually I have a high tolerance for pain and have no problem staying still letting a doctor or dentist do whatever they have to, but I was pulling away and oww-ing during this and came pretty close to crying. Some OBs will ask you late in pregnancy if you want to have internals to check progress. My advice is to waddle away as fast as you can. They hurt, you bleed, and it hurts really bad to pee for over 24 hours later. Anyway, the good news is there was nothing at all going on in that department. Now I just sit around waiting to see if I'll actually feel these contractions and if they will end up meaning anything in the long run. I have been saying constantly to my husband for the last week that I think he is going to come early. I don't know how early, I feel like maybe 2-3 weeks. No idea why I think this and I will probably be wrong (90% of first time moms deliver on-time or late) but for the record, I think he'll be early.

My blood pressure got lower and lower every 15 minutes when it was taken and finally it went down to normal. They had done a bunch of other lab work also, which all came back normal. Finally the OB from the practice came in and asked if I wanted to go home. I was bored, antsy, tired and starving so I was thrilled to hear I could be discharged. They wrote me a prescription for an at-home blood pressure machine and want me to check it myself twice a day. I can't find the prescription so I think we must have left it there, so I called the office yesterday and asked if they could call it in for me....apparently they "don't know how" to call in a prescription. Guess I'll have to go there. I also had to set up an appointment with them for a BP check next week and requested the latest appointment of the day in case they decided to send me to the hospital again. I am going to do what I can to keep it down myself (apparently reducing sodium may help) but I feel like it will still be high.

Well, that was my adventure for this week. I may think of more to write tomorrow...maybe a checklist of what we still have to do before his arrival, but for now I'm tired and may as well post this so that it doesn't sit around for a week like it normally does!

I will end with a belly pic from 33 weeks:

29 weeks and counting...

I think my little Thumper must sense that he’s graduated to his final trimester. I can’t believe how much movement I have been feeling the last two weeks, starting at 27 weeks, and how much different and stronger it is. All of a sudden it’s not just big thumps, not just in the middle, and not just down low. Now it feels like an entire baby moving around and I feel him up higher and also on my sides. If I watch my stomach as I’m sitting down, it will shake and pop up when he moves like there’s a small earthquake occurring in there. I think space is starting to get tight and he’s realizing he should have moved around more when he was smaller! I know he is only going to get stronger. Right now he weighs somewhere between 2.5 and 3 lbs. and he’ll more than double his weight before delivery!
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The other weekend I went to the mall, which I had been avoiding, on a mission to get a couple nursing bras and a pair of nice flats that I can wear instead of sneakers because heels aren’t so doable anymore. I know I don’t need nursing bras yet, but my normal ones just weren’t cutting it anymore (for the second time, I had already gotten new ones when I was 3 months pregnant). I ended up with 2, and even if they don’t work well when it’s time, they work great now. I also got a few more maternity pieces – a nightgown with a robe I can wear in the hospital, a cozy sweater in lieu of a winter jacket, and a very lightweight, champagne-colored sweater with subtle sparkles that will be perfect to wear for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Thankfully, one less outfit to think about. At Macy’s (which, excitingly, is already decked out for Christmas) I got a nice pair of flats that I can wear with casual and nicer clothes alike. I don’t want to wear sneakers everywhere and having to bend over to put them on and tie them is not conducive to my current state.

I don’t know if it was hormones or if every store in the mall really was 200 degrees (Todd is no indicator because he’s always hot), but it was a little rough getting through the shopping trip. I’m noticing it’s starting to get harder just being out and about and doing some things I had no problem doing before. I’m considering moving to a place with no stairs for the next two and a half months. In most ways I still feel great; I’m not sick and I’ve usually got plenty of energy, it’s just physically on the outside that I get worn out after awhile or I notice that normal things like getting up off the couch take a little more effort. A couple weeks ago I was having some mild sciatica pain that during the night one night decided to turn into agonizing, immobilizing pain. I woke up feelings like I was being stabbed and every time I tried to move it would happen and it took a lot of self control to not scream. It was literally close to the worst pain I have ever been in. That morning it took me 5 minutes to sit up and get out of the bed, another few minutes to get to the bathroom (which is right in our room) as I could barely even walk, and I almost gave up on sitting down to pee because the pain was so severe. Thankfully it loosened up during that day and then went away. I seriously hope I never get that again, it was pure agony.
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I was 29 weeks on Thursday and my monthly appointments are now every 2 weeks instead of 4. I wish I could say I enjoy going to these but I honestly don’t, unless there’s an ultrasound which there hasn’t been for awhile and won’t be again unless there is a problem. I know it’s important for them to check your stats every month but usually I feel like it’s a waste of time. I usually have to wait ½ hour whether there’s any other patients there or not, then get weighed, have my blood pressure checked and then wait another 20 minutes for an OB (any random OB, not mine since week 9) to come in, ask if I’m having any problems (“no”), and then say “ok, see you in x weeks”. To be honest, I haven’t been all that impressed with the practice since going there. I see a different OB every time. At my first appointment, my actual OB told me that there were a few others and that they would rotate for the next few appointments so that I would get to know them all. I thought that was fine, but at this point I don’t know if I’ll ever see my OB again (she isn’t one that delivers) and she probably wouldn’t remember me anyway. They can rotate all they want but you don’t get familiar with any of them by seeing each of them for 2 seconds. My OB is the only one who I thought was pretty personable, the others are far from it. If I had a big issue, of course I would talk to whoever I was seeing about it, but I don’t feel that comfortable talking to any of them. I guess I should just be thankful I haven’t needed to. The office staff really irritates me, too. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a time they were actually working and not messing around, or worse, gossiping about the patients. “So and so has a 5 month old and is knocked up again!” and even talking about a patient’s husband having an affair. Seriously, if you’re going to do that, at least try to be quiet. I shouldn’t be able to hear this so clearly from the waiting room.

I actually never expected to have a really close relationship with an OB, but it seems like most women do during their pregnancies so I thought it might turn out that way, but with everything I mentioned above, it’s really not. I also never completely grasped the OBs role when it comes to delivery. It seems like the norm is that, barring any extenuating circumstances that would stop them from it, your actual OB is the one who is supposed to deliver your baby. Even if I did have a good relationship with any of the OBs at my practice, I honestly don’t feel I’d care if it was them or not. Maybe that sounds terrible, but really, as long as I’m surrounded by a medical team that is trained to deliver babies and does it every day, I’m fine. I trust them just as much as these OBs that I see for 3 minutes every few weeks.

To add to my complaints about the practice, since writing all of the above I had another appointment scheduled for yesterday, Saturday. I was told it was the last appointment of the day, at 11:00am, for a blood pressure check (apparently, 3 appointments ago when my blood pressure was only slightly elevated, someone decided to write it in my chart that I should have it checked every darn week, despite the fact that it has been fine and dandy every time since). We get there at 10:54am and the doors are locked, everyone is gone. Nice. They will definitely be getting a phone call tomorrow morning.
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On Saturday we had our 3D/4D ultrasound. Remember I had said I was worried he’d be head down/face down and we wouldn’t be able to see him? I was right! I am glad I had my expectations set low for that reason. The lady was great and before she started the ultrasound she mentioned if he was in that position we would have a problem – I knew that was going to be my child. This is what we could see at first; not only is he turned away from the camera but he has his arm hiding his face (and I wonder if we’re also seeing hair on his head??):
















Then she says “we just need to get him to flip” and I am thinking “easier said than done, my child doesn’t do ‘flip’.” Well, we tried everything – drinking orange juice, pushing him around, tapping his little tushy that was against the top of my stomach, bouncing up and down a flight of stairs, but he would not budge. In a way, I am glad he didn’t. He’s in the perfect position for birth, and while I don’t know why he thought it necessary to get into and stay in that position since my third month, it’s still a good position to be in. Knowing him, if he flipped now, he wouldn’t flip back in time. Just as we were about to give up, he turned his head just enough that we could see half of his little face and get a few pictures! They aren’t perfectly clear but they’re a lot better than many I’ve seen. At one point he even smiled for us, she flipped back and forth between a picture where his mouth was normal and the one where he smiled and it made it really obvious he was smiling! He also puckered his lips at one point. I might be biased but I think he’s really cute, I’ve seen some scary 3D ultrasound pictures but my little guy looks so peaceful and perfectly shaped!





























































Also, I adore this picture of his legs and feet. I don’t know why, but I have always wanted to see his feet in an ultrasound. We had just never seen them before and I thought it would be adorable to see them and I was right, this picture made me so happy:
















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I decided this weekend that I wanted to get a bedding set after all, only because I fell in love with a nautical one and thought it would add to the nursery décor (I realized I didn’t have quite as much planned in my head as I thought). I went online and found out it was being discontinued and was not even available to order online and have shipped, so we went to the store after my botched doctor’s appointment and bought the last one, along with some matching accessories. I’m not going to leave the bumpers in the crib once he’s in there, we’re using breathable ones instead, but I put them in there for now. I think it’s adorable! I also got the wallpaper border which my mom will help us put up this coming weekend.





















And last but not least, a 29 week (+ 2 day) belly picture: